New normal

One question I ask myself a lot lately is “What is normal?”  I think normal is what we expect to happen.

Why do we do that to ourselves?  Nothing we expect to happen ever goes the way we think it will.

I expected my parents to grow old together & putter around doing old people things until God called one or both of them home.  Sounds silly doesn’t it?

Needless to say that hasn’t happened.  My new normal is that my mom is living with us off and on. 

She needs more care than my dad can do by himself.  He worries about how she’s doing.  Then he can’t sleep.

My new normal(for several weeks) was to wake up and have a phone call early in the morning(usually on Monday) every few days with a new crisis.  Too much medicine, exhaustion, broken trust, sharp words.  All these things can alone cause problems but when you combine them it can be a crisis.

Sometimes you have to head off a crisis before it happens.  To help my dad not worry we rearranged our home for a while.  We don’t have a guest room but our basement has two new bedrooms in it now

Mom has a room to come and stay in right around chemo.  She has a counter in the kitchen and space in the bathroom.  She comes and we give her some extra TLC before & after chemo.  Dad sleeps & gets his rest.  Everyone benefits.

Sometimes you have to think out of the box.  I am glad that my parents are comfortable in my home.  Dad even invaded the kitchen to make gravy!

Love for someone isn’t about what they give you or how they make you feel.  It is laying aside your desires and plans to help them.  I never thought that I would be walking this path but I wouldn’t trade the privilege of being Jesus’s hands and feet for my mom and dad at this time in their lives.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.     John 5:13

Not a minute too late . . or soon

Feeling weak & unable to move a muscle is a familiar feeling by the end of my days.  I am giving everything I have to just keep my house running, support my parents in their struggles, keep my sibling informed and love on my kids & husband. 

When I get out of bed, I don’t know exactly what my day is going to look like.  I pray that God guides me to the most important things & that I can ignore all the rest that is clamoring my name.

The lesson that has hit me over and over recently is that God gives me exactly what I need when I need it.

-A friend emailed me with encouragement while she is going through a horrible time of her own but she took the time to speak words of wisdom to me.

-My husbands co-worker unexpectedly provided us with a meal on a day I wasn’t free to make food.

-Great children who keep working on their school work even when I am in the midst of caring for my mom.

-Another friend texted me a scripture one day & the next I looked it up.  God used it to help me encourage my mom. 

While I might be impatient for things to change or get frustrated that I can’t in my own strength make things here all better, I feel so loved and cared for as God guides me and provides what I need.  There is so much to be grateful for in the midst of our struggles.

A sparrow’s life

This week I celebrated an anniversary.  A year ago I was in pain.   Walking was excruciating.  Sitting was little better.  Standing could be good if I held my weight on my right leg.  My left hip was the problem.  On January 11 I had surgery to repair a torn labrum. 

Recovery took a while but now a year later I am so thankful that I can again keep up with my kidos.  I still feel it complaining on some days but I will take that any day over what I had to deal with a year ago.

6 months ago I was happily moving through life not expecting any major changes to my life. Then my mom shared with me that life was not as I thought.  Dad was having some problems and we needed to help her.  Bam!  Life changed overnight and I became familiar with the difference between psychologist & psychiatrists.  I was going to my dad’s doctors visits with him.  My dad who has always been a rock is now a different person who looks, acts & seems like my dad that I’ve always known.  I have to filter his words & actions through this new lens I am seeing through.

3 months ago my mom wasn’t feeling well.  She chalked it up to the stress she had been experiencing.  She checked with her doctor who recommended some tests.  Long story short is that my mom has pancreatic cancer.  To say that we were reeling from all this is an understatement.  Finally after 3 months of adjusting learning & adapting I am starting to be able to think clearly again.  Sometimes.

I am hoping to share more on here.  I just haven’t been able to since October.  This is a new road I am walking.  Maybe some of the things I am learning & living can help one of you.  I wasn’t ready for this.  I am still not ready for this but well . . . here we are.

God knew.  That is today(and every day’s) lesson.  He isn’t surprised at what happens to us.  He knew before we were born what would happen today.  Not one thing that comes our way is outside of his love.  He loves us and knows everything about us.  We are important to him and can go to him with our cares & burdens.

A dear friend shared this with me today and God used her to give me just what I needed but that is another lesson to share for another day.

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:28-31

May God prepare you for whatever is to come today and bless you through it all.

What is important right now?

One thing I ask from the LORD,  this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent 

and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:4-5

What would you ask of God if you could just ask for one thing? 

That is such a hard question.

Events in my life lately have been prodding me to look at my life.  Really look hard.

We do not know the number of our days.  We can only be thankful for this minute, this hour that He’s granted us.

Between the doctor visits, multiple phone calls & texts, rearranging of schedules, desperate laundry loads I have been seeking what is most important.  I ask God to point me in that direction each morning as I start my day.  Here is what I’ve gravitated towards.

1.  Kiss my husband he might not be there tomorrow.

2.  Squeeze my children in tight hugs so they know I love them each day.  Even(especially) the big ones.

3.  Pray often.  Pray about everything.  Pray until you can’t stay awake.

4.  Forget the rest.  Do maintenance as you walk through the day.  Right now a to-do list is laughable.  Interruptions, sadness, naps all take priority over the rest.

I don’t dwell in the house of the Lord.  He dwells in me and allows me to gaze on His beauty and seek him each day.

My life is not beautiful right now.  It is a mess.  Fatigue and general inability to think has become my “normal.”

But I know He is beautiful and he is walking me through(okay carrying me) this season.  I don’t know the answer to the question.  More than half the time I don’t even know the question.

But I know he will keep me safe.  I can rest in him as I know he is holding me, molding me, shaping me as my family does the hard things that must be done.

I wouldn’t have chosen this adventure(nightmare) that we are on but I can choose where I turn for strength and wisdom.  I want to bring glory to him through my actions & words.

Thank you Lord for pointing me towards the most important things each day.